Too True

too true too true
she would mutter
as I puffed on a cigarette
drinking a glass of claret
as if all the problems could be
summed up
in subtle
tiny words

he does not know
and I freely admit he does not
for how can he know
when I do not communicate
it is so simple to say
all men suck
they know nothing
nor do they care
but that is only a balm
to sooth our guilty souls
it is harder to say
that we
are simply afraid

does it always have to be this hard
mumbling to myself as I take another swing
she just laughs hard
it’s tinkling and cold
much like I think sex would be
with her
thank god I haven’t a cock
but still
she is my friend
though I am not sure why

my eyes scan the room
they are all the same
dancing and swaying in chaotic rhythm
a hold over from our tribal days
it is erotic
sex on the floor in full view
and I feel like a voyeur watching
yet I cannot tear my eyes away
she sits beside me
licking her lips
she has found prey
god pity
the poor fool

I itch to run away
to log into the electronic
knowing he is not there
but it burns like a need
how pathetic I’ve become
she knows I am chafting
her eyes narrow on me
I promised to stay
though I suddenly feel sick
as though
lost in two false worlds

I know what is coming
as she sashays back from the bathroom
my stomach rolling at the thought
she has procured entertainment
and I feel dirty as they sit beside us
smiles gleaming wide
though only to humor her
I quickly leave for another glass
whiskey this time
I need fortification

she is obnoxious when aroused
I try to pretend I am not here
she rubs one
as the other nibbles
I feel so embarrassed
thank god the cabby had room
up front
I would truly be sick
if in the middle of their petting
she calls me a prude
says I am too use to romancing a machine
perhaps I am
but in my mind he is mine

I am too old for this
or too young
not really sure which
the whole thing shames me
and I want to hide
from the groans and the grunts
my living room reeking of sex
small blessings that I can hide in here
with my thoughts
and the computer
just too bad he is not on too
so I can transport myself
away

they are whispering out there
I can here them
giggling about how foolish I am
to be in love
with nothing but air
funny
how I never thought it was love
still don’t
but I will leave them at that false idea
I wish they would go
but I can hear her groaning again
the three of them moaning together
as I throw a pillow over my head

in my dreams I see him clearly
can call out his name
and wonder why I feel so behind
lost
lonely
afraid
its not an easy thing to feel
nor one that will change
any time soon
but I want to savor him
like dark chocolate
you roll around in your mouth
hot and sticky
as it slides smooth down your throat
I want to taste him
and I’ve not even heard his voice
savored his smell
until there is nothing but the heat
of two joining

God I have such a damn
hangover