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Hiding


I am afraid
of
these shadows
thoughts that should not be

scared
of
who I am
as opposed to who I should be

wishing
for
something I aught not to
wanting the impossible

wanting
what
I am not even sure is real
or even available

Too long
I have walked alone
with my demons
and they hold me back still

yet
in my dreams
I long for
what I once believed in

do I reach for the stars
or hide
behind clever innuendos
a smile as my shield

my demons
know
my weaknesses well
and I stumble over the hope

perhaps
if
I can be found behind the façade
seen for who I am

not
what others wish me to be
accepting everything
warts and all

but I am cynical
by nature
or is it that nature
has made me cynical

I can lie to myself
and pretend
it doesn’t matter
for really it should not matter

still
there is a small kernel of hope
or perhaps it is only
my jaded interest

which whispers
to try
or at least see this until the end
if I can be brave

nonetheless
I am afraid
of me
of life

perhaps
I am afraid of happiness
though I cannot claim
to be unhappy

just here
like sleeping
waiting for something
that probably will never come

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